Monday, April 25, 2005

A recurring paradox

Hit one of those difficult patches with multiple sclerosis where I've been losing more feeling in my legs. I trudge. This time the changes coincided with my annual neurological exam. The medical option is pharmeceutical roulette. In this instance, switching from Copaxone to Rebif.

There is always emotional fallout for myself and Linda in terms of increased anxiety and depression. I am tempted to call everything that I am doing into question. But, my daily tai chi practice and teaching continue. I add a rowing exercise. After a couple of weeks, some tai chi sense begins to sink in and the familiar paradox reemerges. The disease unrelentingly takes away but at the same time tai chi practice refines my bodymind awareness. I am experiencing greater awareness and control of my heel-spine connection, and my groin muscles have become engaged in securing a lower center of gravity with a "new" resource for balanced turning.

MS works in one direction; tai chi in another: the paradox of dis-ease/greater-ease at the same time.

Or has the Zen Monk masquerading as MS presented the paradox as a koan to his numbed-skull novice? Will I carry the paradox like a heavy stone in my mind or take in the traces of the seasons?

1 comment:

Stephen said...

Ah, yes. The Zen Monk masquerading as MS - well said. I am going to start a tai chi class sponsored by the MSAA- I'm waiting for the next session to start - and I'm very excited about getting back to it. I took classes in a former lifetime, and let it slip away, and tho I've tried on my own, I think having a teacher is very important. I too have looked for the lessons in MS, and stumble over them occasionally. MS as a part of my practice - one way to look at it.