A degenerative disease acutely brings personal strengths and weaknesses to the foreground. Multiple sclerosis insistently challenges me to look at myself and my circumstances and find something to build upon. I admire that part of myself. But it is only half of the ongoing story. The disease also underlines weaknesses, denials, escapisms, self-absorption.
Strong and fragile, fragile and strong, in every step and mis-step. Unsettling.
Re-reading what I have written, it seems as if the concept of my self that I have guarded so closely is slowly being eroded. Perhaps it is a good thing to remove the buffering self, but I don’t feel warm and fuzzy.
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I am constantly re-evaluating my life and the role my M.S. plays in it. I have many days where I am on top of the world and cannot be defeated no matter what symptoms I may be experiencing. I am in a positive frame of mind and have no bitternes about my disease. Then there are other days. Days when it all hits me, the gravity of this illness. Days when I let myself think about the "what if's" and the " Where will I be in 10 years" scenario. I don't think it's healthy to dwell on these thoughts but there are days when I have to be human, and what human wouldn't have these thoughts. I guess you could call me self absorbed on those types of days but, the only one who really understands what I'm going through is me.
Thank you for the "fragile and strong, strong and fragile" thought. I find the re-evaluation to be difficult, but familiar. I was a home dad for 12 years, and had to re-evaluate myself as a man, a husband, a father - everything. so here it is again. Did it ever go away?
I can't even begin to tell you how much reading about how TaiChi has helped you deal with this disease has helped me! I began using TaiChi when I was first diagnosed in 1994 and I was in the best shape of my life!! I had forgotten how good that felt. I recently attempted suicide because I let my life spiral out of control. I no longer feel alone. I will go back to practicing my TaiChi and become strong again. Thank you for being who you are!!!!!
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